Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
