He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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