Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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