So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
