She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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