you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
