I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
