I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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