I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
