One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize