I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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