someone get that fucking seahorse.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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