We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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