shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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