I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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