I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
