she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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