Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
