I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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