Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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