You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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