I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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