Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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