Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
