drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
