I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
