I haven't been this sober since birth.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Can you bring me the toilet please
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
