quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
