Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
