cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
