I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
