whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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