why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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