so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
