final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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