if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
