kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize