Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
