I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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