i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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