I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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