the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
