cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
