Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
