I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
