I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
