every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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