When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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