There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
