Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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