i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
