I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
