Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
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