I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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